Speak Up!

So, this mind came right after i heard that i am not passed in an organization. I knew i wasn't that serious and i didn't speak well there. I kept thinking, "why the heck were you doing like that?". Then i suddenly got flashback and these are what i got.

It started even when i was child. 4 years old. I know that it's normal for children to be afraid to speak up. I just remember how afraid i was to the teachers (some of my teachers were so mean y'know). Until then i won a color contest, and i got my 1st place. That was my first accomplishment i should be proud of. Lol.
Then it came when i was in elementary school. I was bullied by my friends. There were boards with the name of us, if we got good scores we would be given a star beside our names. Then i got my stars! But my friends told me that i shouldn't have my stars. They thought i lied, then they picked up my stars. I just couldn't do anything. I didn't defend myself. I didn't tell the teachers. Because they did threaten me. Until now, i remember who did that to me. Then before we entered the class, we made lines in front of the class and we prayed. I always got the last line because i was bullied that i'm small. I couldn't take the front line. In class, i was bullied by the boys. They threw me with papers, mocked me with bad words, and so on. I felt like i needed to get out of that school as soon as i could. Ah, in class, i talked much with the friends i knew. I was very active until the trauma i had.
My dark side started from here. I became so wild when i was in junior high school. I started bullying my friends, had fights with boys, abandoned my family, etc. But i could focus on my lessons. But when i had to speak up in front of my friends, my whole body was just shaking. I couldn't say or do anything. I really was afraid to speak up. Then the time when i needed to explain what i drew, i just explained it with all my thoughts. But my teacher said, "no, its not what you drew". Then i was mocked by my teacher, saying that i couldn't even explain what i drew. He then told me and all my friends in class about what i drew. I was so shocked because he knew the purpose of my drawing! I didn't even know! He said, my drawing is explaining about how i want to reach something but i'm afraid and i think there's no one around me. I was freezing, and, i cried. YES i did. Then my class went to Pare to study english for 1 week. When i was sleeping, my teacher from Pare suddenly woke me up and she said, "tonight you speech in front of your friends and teams from other cities. Make a content you want to speak about and memory it until tonight". And i was like WTF! I was sleeping and suddenly i was woken up to hear something like that? I wasn't ready at all! I couldn't even memory the main structure of the speech! But well, i could do nothing and i tried my best. Until now, i still remember all the speech from the greeting until the closing. Yeah.
That's why i joined theatre in senior high school. I was freezing at the practice time! And i couldn't even say anything when the time of discussion. I felt like i wanna die. Seriously. But the time when i first performed, i needed to kill my fear. Then after 2 or 3 performances i could do well. Because i knew the things i wanted to do.

My friend was right. I can't speak up in front of people i have never met before. But i did try so hard. And i did speak up. Even though i knew i wasn't good. But at least i could resist my fear. I know it's not my passion even from the first place. And today was my first time i had my FGD. Something complicated ruins me but i know that's not the reason to give up. If i can't speak in public then i must have something big behind me. My dreams shouldn't die easily.